I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
