ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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