I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
