Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
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