I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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