No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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