Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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