a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
