why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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