can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
