so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
