just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
