So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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