Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
