Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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