mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i came on her dog
Hippo gnu deer
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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