Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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