you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
