All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize