I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
