I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
