i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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