my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
