the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
