Tell her she can't have a vagina
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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