I'm pants shitting drunk right now
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
