I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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