um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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