he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
