I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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