the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
