You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
