I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
