They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
i think we sleep fucked last night...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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