If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
