I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
