Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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