I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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