I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
