and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
