so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
