Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
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