my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
