She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize