Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
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