she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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