And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
