sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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