Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
