Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize