I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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