Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
