Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
