Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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