Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
