I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
