is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
