I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
