Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
