I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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